A Spoof on Cruise Addiction
let there be silence as our group leader prepares to speak...
|People ...People ...People!! Be not mislead. There is a 12-step program for cruising, but it is not in any way, shape or form designed to end your cruise addiction.|
In truth, it will INCREASE your addiction.
It will make you bore simple acquaintances with tales of your cruise. Co-workers will see your tan and run screaming in the opposite direction. you will raise the value of stock in Kimberly-Clark because you will be buying and using copious amounts of tissue to absorb your tears.
This 12 step program is called, officially by every cruise line, the GANGWAY...
...and can I get an AMEN?
And in this one simple word your are so clearly guided.
It is not just the GANG; it is also the WAY!!
...Yea verily, another AMEN!
IT IS THE GANGWAY!
...Oh YES ...louder now AMEN!! Hallelujah!
As one approaches the ship, going through security lines, up escalators, climbing stairs, working harder, faster, ...must ...board ...ship!
... heart beat quickens, ...blood flows faster, ...face flushing, ...forehead sweating, ... lips parching until your throat is so dry your tongue sticks to the roof of your mouth,
Yea, you can verily taste your first ice cold beer, a frozen, fruity, fancy-pants, frou-frou umbrella drink of any day of the week!
And now my brothers and sisters, you round a corner and there it is, the GANGWAY!!!
|...must ...board ...ship! ...must ...board ...ship! ...must ...board ...ship!|
Your heart pounds, the carry-on bag holds the weight of the world.
...Dear Lord, what ever did I put in here???
And so you verily ache with desire to board the GANGWAY.
Your legs start to shake. Your arms tremble like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. But could you give up now? Not ever! Never!! Impossible!!!
The WAY calls to you! The GANGWAY that is!
The siren song of the seas has you in its grip. You extend a feeble hand, grasping the handrail with a desperation few know or understand. With a surge of energy from deep in your gut you put a foot on the GANGWAY and begin the process of that exotic, intoxicating ritual called...
The GANGWAY 12-Step Program.
First one slow calculated step...
...Don't fall now, you're too close, steadyyyy...
Then another as your grip tightens on the handrail and you now stand..
...with two feet ...on the umbilical cord ...that is the GANGWAY!
...AMEN my brothers and sisters ...HALLELUJAH!!!
Verily you feel the life blood of the GANGWAY under your feet, the vibration, the rhythm, the pulse.
Another step, and again, ...left ...right ...again ...closer now, closer......
A stumble, you hesitate, a fear shakes every fiber of your being, but you cannot, MUST not fail, for the GANG is behind you and this IS the WAY and thus it has ever been and ever shall be--
...HALLE-LUUU-JAH, BROTHERS!! SISTERS!! AMEN!!!
...reinvigorated, your grip intensifies, you finish the steps, counting in your mind as each number makes your feet move, ...10 ...11
... the 12-STEPS of CRUISING across the WAY of the GANG.
And so it is, my dear fellow addicts, there is no magical 12-step program to end your addiction. I can only offer thee, as a balm, this prayer from the "Book of Cruising", the "Siren's Song", Chapter 5, Verses 1-11...
...say it with me now...
The Lord is my captain, he steers the ship! He leadeth me home from Carlos & Charlie's, and Hard Rock Cafes that all sell me T-shirts. He saileth me upon still waters in the womb that is my stateroom. He filleth my head with visions of mermaids and gives the weather report from the bridge. Wave swells and temperature readings comfort me. Verily, the barometer, humidity and blow force readings will follow us all the days of our trip. Yea! Though I walk through the valley of travel brochures, I will fear no travel agent's sales pitch. For there is a cruise ship somewhere, going someplace, someday soon. Surely, deals and discounts will be mine for the picking for the Lord is my captain; and I do not get seasick!
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