Middle Aged and Sexy?

| Sunday, 01 Jan. 2012

"Orient

Enjoying a hot dog and cool beer. Orient Beach - St. Martin, French side

Some of us try to delay the inevitability of aging with massive amounts of exercise thinking it's going to stop this ticking time bomb. Wrong solution. Exercise puts your body at serious risk of injury and I have statistics to prove it -- so, save yourself before it's too late - stay sedentary!

My first suggestion is to relax, take it easy, and enjoy. Don't worry, life comes to us all. Let's face it, at middle age no matter how many hours we spend working out with our "personal" trainer, a finely chiseled granite body is out of the question. Oh sure, maybe you don't appear to be wearing a life vest when you're dressed, but once you take off those clothes that old skin is there staring you in the face, or more descriptively, staring you in the feet. No matter how much exercise we do we'll have some skin hanging there looking like wet clothes on a clothesline.

 

Now, I do understand that some exercise is recommended and necessary to keep our hearts and bodies healthy. But I for one am tired of hearing my doctor tell me that if it tastes good, spit it out. On my last visit to the doctor he told me if I knew what was best for me, I would give up drinking, and late nights. I said, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?

I am simply here to be the voice of reason.

 

THE GOAL

Everyone, no matter what age, wants to be sexy. No sane person will argue that fact. But, the reality is that we don't have to be perfect to be sexy. We just have to find the place where our imperfections are considered sexy. If there was ever a place for middle aged imperfect bodies a cruise ship is it. All you have to do is look around the embarkation lounge while you're boarding. The place is jammed with old, young, tall, short, wide, narrow, attractive and the odd downright ugly one. (And the funny thing is that downright ugly one has been sailing on all the same ships as me).

 

TURNING ON THE SWITCH

The best first step to attracting attention is to smile. A great smile works in mysterious ways. For members of the opposite sex it can be like handing them the key to your cabin. For members of the same sex, it's an invitation to be their friend. The best thing about it is it hurts less than surgery and it doesn't cost anything, and it's definitely more effective than any opening line I've ever thought of. A smile is an invitation to meet, and most everyone you talk to will be jovial, chatty and above all friendly. So friendly in fact, I sometimes think that they've never had a friend in life. Almost everyone on a cruise, whether it's couples, singles or a group sex therapists convention, are looking for the same thing; the three F's -Food, Fun, and Friendships!

Everything is an attitude. We "sexy boomers" aren't ready to talk about getting lucky only in reference to finding our car in a parking lot. We still want to live, and have every right to do so! Put some life in your step, and on your face, and you are on your way to the conga line of life.

 

BODY LANGUAGE

What does your body say? If it's "Pass the blanket, I'm cold," then it's time for the Kuki treatment. OK, I know there's no way I can walk out to the swimming pool, strip off my t-shirt and immediately attract the eyes of amour.

In my case, it's more likely a staff member will see me and lower the water level if he thinks I'm going in. So, besides a smile, how do we get our bodies to say, "Hi there I'm a fun person and VERY sexy?"

There's no need to stuff a salami down our pants or in the case of the ladies, pull the stuffing out of the sofa to fill the bra. All you need is to show the world that you're fun. Whether it's a spouse or a stranger, at least to begin with there is nothing as sexy as fun. At our age a good laugh may be almost as good as sex. And if not, it's usually a pretty good place to start on the way there.

If you are sitting or lying down don't close your eyes. Anyone walking by will think you're asleep, having your nap right there, or worse yet -- dead! A sure invitation to steal your wallet and shoes. Sitting poolside in the day, don't drop your face in a book or read the 47 magazines you've brought. Be outgoing, even if you're not. Offer a big hello to everyone who walks by. Have a conversation with anyone at any opportunity. Standing while carrying on a conversation is always a winner, it shows you're energetic and ready to party, even if you've just woken from your afternoon nap and only have about an hour of life left until your next one.

Above all - relax. Nothing is less sexy than whining. Aside from clearly marking you as a dolt, your face wrinkles up like a SharPei, and that face is only sexy on puppies. Relaxed and smiling and talking to everyone. In a short time the entire ship will be whispering your name.

 

DRESS

I'm a firm believer in appropriate dress. Wear your coveralls to dinner and you may as well spend the rest of your cruise in your cabin. A leper in ancient Rome would get more action. You don't need a Hollywood wardrobe to be sexy. Somewhere within us all there exists our own fashion guru who tells us when we are looking good. The key is to listen. Just wear what you know looks good, even if it doesn't really, and you'll believe you're a knockout. It's the aura of confidence that makes all the difference.

 

HERE ARE KUKI'S BEST CRUISE FASHION SECRETS;

  • If you're over 30 leave your thong swim suits at home. When I said smile at everyone, I meant from the front side.
  • The younger generations may look good in torn jeans and halter tops, but at our age we look like we can't afford slacks. And look in the mirror and face facts, belly buttons get really ugly as you age.
  • Dress nice, but dress your age. And I don't mean that you should wear clothes that are as old as you are.
  • The effect of a man's hairy chest fluffing out of a shirt open to the navel loses something when it's all gray and sticking straight out. Sexy is not looking like you have Art Garfunkel buried in your chest.

 

SEXY IS AS SEXY DOES.

We're getting to the stage in life where it takes more time to rest than it does to get tired. However, the person that goes to bed at 9 PM at home can become a late night fun and frolic beast while at sea. Put a smile on your face and on every person you come into contact with. Now that's sexy!!

 

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