Donald Trump starts Trump Cruises International, trademarking "Fluff-style cruising" and "The Fluff Ships"
Donald Trump's Cruise Line
Throughout the years we have seen several companies announce they were starting a cruise line only to have them fail to follow through. Several years ago it was Canyon Ranch, the infamous spa from Tucson Arizona. Canyon Ranch opened the onboard spa on Queen Mary 2, but then never ventured any farther into the cruise business.
So, when we received a press release this morning about Donald Trump starting a cruise line we were not surprised, until we got the details of how far he is taking the design elements in order to "brand" his ships. "Trump Cruises International," according to the press release, will build and sail ships with the unifying theme of "cruise fluff." In fact, the Donald has already trademarked the phrase "Fluff-style® Cruising" and the word "fluff" will be predominate everything Trump Cruises International creates.
The first ship, set to debut in early 2012 will be called the "The Donald" and its main stylistic feature will be a sculpture adorning the smokestack inspired by (we kid you not) the one-of-a-kind infamous Donald Trump comb-over!
That is correct - the comb-over inspired sculpture will appear as "an immovable wave a golden fleece defiantly breaking the wind crossing the Donald's bow" and true to form, although it will be positioned directly over the windiest point of the Donald, "it will not move even a single centimeter, remaining just as unflappable as the Donald himself." The fluffy comb-over emblem will "signify the Donald's defiant dedication to success against all odds."
Since Trump now makes more money in show business than he does in real estate, one of the first elements of the ship that has already been designed is the onboard entertainment. Themed production shows will include musicals based upon Trump's most recent media successes. The first show, "You're Fired" will feature a cast of lookalikes for Danny Bonaduce, Joan and Melissa Rivers, David Hasselhoff, Joey Buttafuoco, Dennis Rodman and of course Marla Maples and Ivana Trump. Some of the songs in the show include "Ivana Girl Just like Ivana Who Married Dear Old Don." and "I Enquired the Enquirer, You're Fired, You're Fired."
The second ship in the "fluff-style" fleet will be "The Apprentice" which will also have a "kinetic" comb-over emblematic sculpture, essentially meaning it moves. But this piece will be reversed and actually raise up and down as if it is "catching and releasing, rather than defying the wind." Trump says one of his favorite songs of all time was "Catch the Wind," by Donovan (Leitch) for whom he always felt a kinship because his name sounds just like an amalgam of "Don and Ivana". Trump says that as the Apprentice's emblematic comb-over statue alternately catches and releases the wind it will be symbolically waving goodbye in "Fluff-style" fashion just as we waved goodbye to his fortune when Ivana left.
Perhaps most surprising to us is the accompanying announcement that Trump will create a cruise blog at the URL "CruiseFluff.com". Amazingly, Trump is quoted as saying, "all of our content will be created by our paid staff of writers - posing as regular people!" Explaining how he got such a wild idea for a cruise site he said. "In today's world the line between make-believe and reality, as well as celebrity and regular people has become thinner than my hair and so we want a cruise web site where, like my television shows, you cannot tell who is important and who is not."
The site will have cruise reviews, but only about the Trump Cruises International's two ships. All of the reviews will be "fluff" and only use "golden adjectives that glow like the Donald's hair." There will be message boards, but every post will be an undisclosed but free "Fluff-style® cruise" compensated "satisfied customer" participating in a "focus group."
These compensated endorsers will not be told what to write, according to the CruiseFluff spokesperson, but they will be sharing their unbiased opinions about the free cruises TCI is providing to them. "As long as the focus is on fluff they can say anything they want" according to the CruiseFluff spokesperson.
There will be onboard trivia games about the Donald, so before anyone goes "Fluff-style" surfing on Cruisefluff.com we recommend that you bone up first. The people who know the most about cruisefluff will be recruited as "fluffers" and asked but not required to disclose their affiliation. We have already heard a rumor that they will be able to identify each other by a secret hand signal, however.
Similar to the "Dating Game" goodbye kiss, the Trump's "Fluff-Style® Cruising" focus group will have their own wave. Signifying a comb-over waving up and down in the breeze, the wave is performed as follows; hold your hand palm-down at the level of your chin and pretend you are slowly waving a fly off of your nose. Repeat this three times. People "in the know" will recognize you immediately as a "cruisefluffer." Those who don't know will just think you smell something rotten.
Happy April Fools day, and Happy Birthday to Me ;-)
(This entire article is a spoof. Nothing in it is true. Please don't sue me, Donald!)
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